In art, we use lines to create direction, texture, expression, shape, just to name a few. Lines may be used to create space and shapes. While doodling, we create a sense of space with lines on paper. A square shape is created with four connecting lines.
Lines are also used to create boundaries. Remember your kindergarten teacher telling you, not to color outside the lines? Perhaps that was one of the first stressors in your life. How many years did you believe that you would be judged by how well you stayed within the lines? When did you give yourself permission to color outside the lines and create your own personal work of art? Sadly, some people never attempt to break out of the mold for fear of being judged. Keep it neat. Neat work gets a good grade. At some point, the boundary lines spill over into our personal lives. Whose line is more important, yours or that of another?
While it is important to respect the boundaries of others, we are not to accommodate the desires of others by bending, breaking, restating, or giving up our own boundaries. Boundaries can be spacial, emotional, or personal.
Spatial boundaries, like the lines in our art, are visible. However, an emotional alarm may be set off when someone crosses our physical boundaries. Most people prefer acquaintances to stand the furthermost away. In some cultures that can be several feet in distance. Friends are allowed to stand and sit a bit closer while engaging in conversation. Close friends are granted an even closer spot in our personal space. Those who with whom we are most intimate are allowed to be even closer, in most cases, touching us as a way to show affection. Below is a chart depicting the ranges of physical boundaries:
Emotional boundaries are often stretched far beyond your limits. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where no personal emotional boundaries have been clearly set. That being the case, we have to go with our instincts. Carol agreed to meet an man she met through an Online dating service. He suggested they have lunch at a popular restaurant. She agreed. He was a gentleman and was quite handsome. Things were going fine until the waitress asked for their order. Dave gently pulled the menu from Carol's hands and ordered two of the lunch specials without giving her an opportunity to speak. Obviously, a red flag popped up in Carol's mind, but she didn't say anything. She felt somewhat bewildered, but decided to let it pass. During their conversation, he told her to remove her sweater that it was rather warm in the restaurant. Again, she was shocked, but this time she told him she felt fine and preferred to keep it on. He signed, but did not push the issue. Their conversation centered around his life, work, and his ex-wife. He showed very little interest in what Carol had to say, but insisted that she validate or agree with him on almost every issue. She also noticed, he made very little eye contact with her. The initial breaches of her emotional boundaries caught her by surprise, but as the date progressed, it became clear to Carol that she did not appreciate Dave's behavior. A two sided conversation and eye contact were very basic guidelines for Carol. If this is how is acts on the first meeting, she held little hope that things would improve. Even though Dave was quite handsome and stated he was interested in seeing her again, Carol stuck to her boundaries and declined.
Carol's situation in not uncommon. She could have accepted another date, but valued herself enough to avoid what she percieved as trouble down the road. There are many cases when personal boundaries are overlooked and difficult to maintain. Most of the time, we fail to set boundaries in specific areas of our lives. How many times have you taken on more volunteer work than you felt you could handle? Do you find it difficult to tell someone you cannot do something? Many people take on too many chores or do too many favors because they do not have clear boundaries. There comes a time when you have to draw the proverbial line in the sand. More often than not, we do not realize the need to say, "no," until we have a meltdown.
To avoid an emotional and physical meltdown, decide how much time you are willing to donate to a cause. A good rule of thumb: If it interferes with family time, meals, bedtime, and spousal intimacy (there are more), your best course of action is not to do it. If the cause happens to be your job, make a list of the tasks you do each day and note the time each takes. Keep a notebook of tasks and times. This may turn out to be your best friend when you're asked to take on more work than you can shoehorn into your schedule. It may also come in handy in the event you are up for a raise or promotion.
One last, but very important word on boundaries. You have the right to decide how you want to be treated. It is up to you to draw the line in the sand. If that line is crossed, you must own your own feelings, but state them in a clear, direct, nonthreatening manner. Such as: I feel anxious when you yell at me to hurry. It would save me a lot of time if you helped dress the children. I could get ready a lot faster and we wouldn't be late for church. If the other person isn't receptive or the situation gets worse, it is time to see a professional.
Caution: If you feel you or your children are in danger or there is a history of domestic violence, any effort to speak rationally in your own defense could cause serious problems. Again, seek help.
Today I intend to:__________________________________________________________
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